1. Tell us a little about yourself and your journey and lesson (that you are willing to share) that inspired you to become a Radical Self Love Coach?
My inspiration for becoming a Radical Self Love and Relationship coach came out of a devastating breakup. My partner ended things out of the blue one day with no real explanation or reason. It sent me into a tailspin of emotion and I was in a pretty dark place. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and there were days where I felt I couldn’t breathe.
I now know the intensity of the pain wasn’t so much to do with the breakup but more so the suppressed emotions and the pain of refusing to deal with my past finally coming to the surface. The breakup was my catalyst for my greatness to emerge. Upon one of the days of intense self-reflection (I had been immersed in the world of personal growth for a while and I had been running my own business coaching company so I knew self reflection was key to healing), I began asking myself a series of really interesting questions.
They went like this:
Q: “Kelsey, where is your responsibility in the ending of this relationship? What behaviours could have possibly contributed to the breakdown?”
A: “Well, I guess I was pretty jealous, insecure and had a lot of fear around him cheating and leaving me.”
Q: “Ok, great. Now what is underneath that?”
A: “Well, I wanted his approval and validation. I wanted to know I was enough and that I was worth loving.”
Q: “Wonderful, but whose approval and validation were you actually seeking, was it his or someone else’s?”
A: “Well, if I’m really honest, the approval I was seeking was my Dad’s….huh! Thats interesting, because what I wanted approval of I actually was getting from my partner but I totally dismissed it because it wasn’t coming from my Dad…damn, thats pretty intense.”
Q: “There is more, now look again at your jealousy and insecurities, what is underneath them? Where do they stem from?”
A: “A lack of self-esteem.”
Q: “Good, what is underneath a lack of self-esteem?”
A: “A lack of self-worth, self-respect and self-value.”
Q: “Excellent and what is underneath all of those? What is the root?”
A: “A lack of self-love. Ohhhhh wow. I never realized that until now, I don’t actually love who I am, and I have been searching for all this love outside of myself to make up for the lack of it on the inside. Double damn.”
It was at that moment that I knew the root of my healing was anchored in exploring and expanding my capacity to love myself. Which is why I came up with the term Radical. Radical means root. To me the root of all love for others begins with self-love. And I knew that if I learned how to love myself I would forever change the course of my relationships- which is exactly what happened. I never planned on changing my entire business, but after going through this incredible healing there is no way I couldn’t. It was clear this was my calling. I am here to help people in repairing their relationship to themselves so they can have kick ass relationships with others, especially those relationships of the romantic variety.
Love to me is something we are. It is reflected in our capacity to extend acceptance, compassion and forgiveness. To me it is the energy that allows us to see the magic every life circumstance holds and it is the essence that guides us to uncovering our greatest potential individually and collectively.
Doing what I love means finding ways every moment to be an expression of my passions and purpose. In other works being love in action. To me doing what I love isn’t necessarily tied to a pay check or being financially compensated, doing what I love is just what happens naturally as I come into my alignment and live my life on purpose.
3. What is one thing you need to take into consideration before taking the leap to start a business you love?
Make sure you have a means to be responsible for your pre-existing agreements. It is a super romantic ideal to just jump ship from the 9-5 and start doing something we love. There is so much more to running the day-to-day operations of a company than just doing the fun stuff you love or the things you are naturally talented at.
Cultivation of a possibility mindset and abundance mindset are crucial to succeed at first, and a strong development of both of these internal skills is a must before diving 100% into a new venture. I would highly advise those looking to start a business they love to have a secondary source of income that will cover their basic costs until the business is at a point where you can confidently leave and know you will be earning a similar amount from your own company. Fear likes to creep its way in the sneakiest of ways and I’ve seen so many incredible entrepreneurs tank themselves because they weren’t financially, mentally and emotionally prepared to make the leap.
4. What self care practice(s)/lovable action(s) do you do regularly to embody love in your every day life that you’d like to share to help us re-ignite and amplify the love within oneself.
I have my non-negotiable morning routine:
1. I hydrate. Many people underestimate the power of a hydrated brain and vessel. Your body works so much better when it has the hydration it needs. Also I find drinking lemon water first thing helps me wake up and feel alert.
2. Meditation. 15 minutes minimum a day. I rock a prosperity mantra, I do some breath work and I have chats with my higher self and I finish it all up with some silence to receive the wisdom of my guides and higher self.
3. Gratitude journal. At the start of each day I reflect for a page on all the things I am grateful for. At the end of the day I reflect on all the abundant gifts the Universe sent my way.
4. Mantras and positive self-talk. The way I speak to myself will determine my energetic and emotional states. When I fill my mind with positive dialogue I attract more awesomeness and heaps of unexpected miracles.
5. I study in my downtime. Listening to audiobooks is one of my favourite pastimes as I am in transit. If I am walking somewhere I listen to an audio book, if I’m driving I listen to something educational. I use this time and space to develop myself and keep my energy in alignment.
6. I carve out non-negotiable down time and solo time. Sundays are my recharge day. I often wont make any plans with anyone (unless its a coffee catch up) and I allow my body, mind and spirit to determine the day. I honour what my body needs to charge up energetically for the week ahead. Having alone time is essential for my peace of mind and feeling grounded.
Don’t try so hard to gain the approval of others, the approval you are actually looking for comes from you. When you do things that leave you feeling good in your heart love is welcomed to emerge.
No amount of love from another rescues you from the job of loving yourself fully and completely.
Being kind towards yourself is the first step to feeling good and loving yourself in the best possible way.
It takes a lot of courage to open your heart and love fiercely.
Relationships and love are two different things. Love is what we are, it is a way of being. Love has the potential to emerge in expansive form within relationships but it can’t be forced or coerced. Not all relationships are meant to last forever and because of this reality it is so important to try and be your best version every day that you have the opportunity to love another, for if you do, even if it ends you will feel free, at peace and proud of the person you have shown the world you are.
6. As humans we all have weak moments where our inner critics take over. Complete this sentence: When I start judging or comparing myself I...
turn into a complete and total jerk towards myself. I also feel insignificant and incapable of achieving my goals. I feel scared and alone. I also know in my heart it is a waste of my creative and imaginative energies and when I become conscious of my inner judger I am quite firm in telling it to stop.
7. What would you say to someone who is looking to open up their hearts again to love courageously but is afraid of getting hurt?
The more you are faithful to your alignment, honour your truth and practice being kind and forgiving to yourself the more open and receptive you will be in relationships and the more open and receptive your partner will become. The past does not equal the future and you have learned so much about yourself and are so much more aware of what you need to experience fulfilment in relationships. Ultimately you get to choose whether fear of repeating the pain of the past will rule your choices or the expansive possibility of love.
When you take full responsibility for your past experience, find forgiveness and release fears of the past becoming the future begin to release their grip on your consciousness.
It is true, you might get hurt again, but that is no reason to shy away from the potential of complete and epic connection with another. The more guarded you are the more likely you are to experience a relationship that creates the conditions for you feeling hurt. Transparency, honesty and vulnerability are your access points to a type of love and relationship that even if it ends, you know you are better off for having had that experience. True love makes you more of what you truly are- courageous, powerful, amazing and beautiful beyond measure. It is always worth it to love full out.
8. In your book Sabotaged Love: The 12 Archetypes Keeping You From The Love You Want, you talk about a conscious relationships. What makes up a high quality conscious loving relationship?
Two people who are willing to be vulnerable, willing to be seen as they are, willing to do their own inner work and willing to invest into the relationship in nourishing, positive and expansive ways. Two people who will call the greatness out of themselves and one another.
Emotional intelligence is a must for a conscious partnership to thrive, if both people are willing to learn, explore and enhance the relationship to their emotions the foundation is there for an exceptional dynamic to unfold.
Ultimately it takes two people who are committed and willing to co-create the relationship, put in the energetic maintenance all relationships require and to show up fully and let all sides and layers of themselves be seen by another.
9. How can we be more mindful when it comes to creating a more conscious loving relationships be it with ourselves or with others (platonic or romantic)?
We need to learn to ask better more empowering questions. Many people run on default and like to play the victim. This is dangerous territory for any relationship.
Instead of asking things like:
“Why is this happening to me?”
“Why does this always happen to me?”
“What did I do to deserve this?”
Ask things like:
“What is trying to emerge through this experience?”
“What is this experience trying to teach me?”
“What would love do right now?”
Asking better questions is rooted in taking responsibility for ourselves and our lives. When we step into this powerful place of responsibility we expand our capacity to be accepting, forgiving and kind which are essential for more conscious love filled relationships of any kind to grow.
10. Communication is key to any relationship. What is one communication practice you do with your partner to create a love filled relationship?
We give each other the space to clear and get complete. If one of us is in breakdown we prompt each other by saying:
“What is it that you need to say right now to be clear?”
Then whoever asks this question, just listens. Without interrupting, without trying to justify or fix. They just listen. The key with this practice is that whoever is listening promises to do so and not take anything personally. That way it becomes a very safe space to be heard, received and get complete.
People really underestimate the power of listening. If we were more willing to just listen to what others are ACTUALLY saying (not our interpretation of what they are saying) without interjecting our two sense, a lot of relationship issues would disappear or resolve with a lot more ease and grace.
“You are safe, supported and appreciated. Thank you for all you do”.
“To love is to recognize yourself in another” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Whatever you are expecting from another person, give it to them first. If you are expecting honesty- be honest about what you are feeling and experiencing first. Putting someone on the spot never works when it comes to love and intimacy. You must lead by example. If you want a partner to get real, raw, transparent and vulnerable you must be willing to go there first.
Right now I’m loving “Everything I’ll Ever Need” ~ Jonathan Jackson and Hayden Panettiere
2015 is a pretty epic year over here at RSL. I’ve recently released my flagship coaching program The Alchemy Of Love- A four course series to set anyone up for the epic love they deserve. I’m currently accepting applications for the next round which begins in March. Beginning Feb 15th 2015 I am releasing my first ever couples coaching programs for those couples who are ready to take their relationship to the next level of connection, relatedness and harmony. More details will be available on my website www.kelseygrant.com